Opening Illustration: My wedding picture.  If I show you a picture of something, you must promise not to laugh. Deal? Let me point a few obvious things about this photo. 1) This is one of my wedding photos; 2) We are all thankful that I have some facial hair that covers my face. Nobody should have to look at what’s in that picture; 3) Rachel hasn’t changed one bit!  She is a perpetually beautiful. Let me point a few not-so-obvious things about this photo. 1) Rachel and I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into; 2) I had very little idea of what it meant to be married; 3) My idea of marriage, at that point in my life, really missed the mark; 4) I’m not the same person today that I was in that photo. Okay, let’s please take that down so my face doesn’t cause people’s eyes to hurt.

Marriage is for holiness. Holiness doesn’t happen in a vacuum. God uses earthly relationships for heavenly purposes. We are continuing in our sermon series: Ephesians: Masterpiece in Progress. Read Ephesians 5:21-33. Pray. 

I want us to start with the last four verses we read, verses 30 through 33. In just a short number of words, God uses Paul to show us the purpose of marriage. Until we understand the purpose of marriage, we can’t talk about the roles and functions within marriage. So, here’s where we start: The purpose of marriage is holiness, not happiness.

1) The purpose of marriage is holiness, not happiness. (vs. 30-33) Take a look again at verses 30 through 33: ³⁰ And we are members of his body. ³¹ As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” ³² This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. ³³ So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. If you look back over the years of humanity, and specifically during biblical times, what would you say is the primary purpose of marriage? Marriage was functional security. It was economic stability. And having kids meant retirement because kids took care of their parents in old age. Today, from a world’s perspective, what is the purpose of marriage? Romantic fulfillment and personal happiness.

When we read verses 30 and 33, do you see either of those listed? In each of these verses (except vs 33), Paul is pointing to something a lot more radical than security and happiness. In these verses, we read that the marriage union is pointing a much greater union. Verse 32 tells us the great mystery of the marriage union is an illustration of how Jesus and the Church (His people) are united together. Marriage is a shadow of a higher reality. God designed marriage to teach us about His relationship with us. Marriage is commonly viewed as ultimate. It’s what so many people strive for in life – to have a happy marriage. But we know from God’s Word, that marriage is temporary.  Marriage isn’t a thing in heaven – it’s only meant for this world. So, marriage’s purpose is to teach us about our relationship with Jesus and to make us more like Jesus. 

In its core, marriage is for holiness. Does that mean it will bring happiness along the way? Sure! Happiness is a byproduct of a holy marriage. The idea is that two people who are pursuing God together, will grow closer to each other as they grow closer to God. Illustration: The marriage triangle. There’s a visual image of what this simultaneous pursuit within a marriage looks like. And anytime I can show off my drawing skills, I love to do that. Show Picture. The picture is straightforward enough: two people running to Jesus will run closer to each other. There’s something in that picture that isn’t quite as obvious though. If two people are changing throughout the course of their marriage, then their marriage will change.

A holy marriage won’t stay the same. I’ve changed. Rachel’s changed. Our marriage has changed. I’m on my 3^rd or 4^th marriage with Rachel. For you singles or young marrieds, you need to realize this. The person you marry is not the person you will be married to in 5, 10, or 30 years. Hopefully, that person will be a spiritually and emotionally stronger. And that should be case for you as well. The more you can pursue holiness now, the better you will be equipped for all season of marriage. For some of you that have been married for awhile now, you need to realize that your spouse isn’t the same person who they used to be. It’s important to step back sometimes and get a new lay of the land. And then figure out “what does it mean to pursue holiness in our marriage now”. No matter season you are in, there are some never-changing characteristics in marriage. In our passage today, Paul addresses what those look like with the husband and the wife. We are given three characteristics of a holy marriage. Here is the first one: A holy marriage is a yielding marriage. 

2) A holy marriage is a yielding marriage. (vs. 22-24)  Wives, we start with you! Let’s all just take a deep breath for a moment…What does God say to us through Paul in verses 22 through 24? ²² For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³ For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ²⁴ As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. I understand this is one of the more difficult passages and topics in the Bible, so let me start by giving one pastor’s definition of submission (I think it’s a good one). Quote: “Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts. It’s the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership. It is an attitude that says, “I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love. I don’t flourish in the relationship when you are passive and I have to make sure the family works.” – John Piper. 

Let me be clear on something: this is no part of biblical submission that makes one person better or greater than the other person. In God’s eyes, a husband and wife are spiritual equals. Submission does not refer to the person, but rather the role and function. Part of the function of a wife is coming under the leadership of a husband, but that does not mean the personhood of a wife is lesser in any way. Having different functions in marriage does not mean that one gender is greater or the other is lesser. We are all God’s children. We are all heirs. We are all exiles. We are citizens of heaven. Quote: “A woman was not made out of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him; but out of his side, to be equal to him; under his arm to be protected; and near his heart to be loved.” – Matthew Henry. Marriage is about a husband and wife coming together with a common purpose and agreeing how to reach that purpose under the leadership of the husband. Illustration: Rachel and I go kayaking in a bay. One of my favorite was to illustrate this is when Rachel and I go kayaking. I wanted to go out far and she wanted to stay close to the shore. “Jess, where are we going?!” I had the full ability to dictate where the kayak went from the back. “Fine, you do all the paddling!” 

Let me flip the script for a minute: What is NOT submission? (from John Piper)

1. Submission does not mean agreeing with everything your husband says. 
   • Rachel does not have to kayak into the alligator infested waters
   • Wives submit to God first
     • A wife should never do anything that goes against Scripture
   • I also want to add submission is never about women submitting to men
     • It’s about a wife choosing to follow the leadership of her husband
2. Submission does not mean leaving your brain or your will at the wedding altar. 
   • Rachel is not there just to help paddle
3. Submission does not mean avoiding every effort to change a husband. 
   • What to do if there is a leadership void?
     • 1) Let the leadership void remain
       • The husband needs to see and feel that void
     • 2) Don’t force your husband into the leadership void, but don’t ignore leadership void
       • I love what 1 Peter 3:1-2 says:
         • In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.
       • When I read that verse, I can’t help but see the powerful and positive influence of a wife that loves Jesus
4. Submission does not mean putting the will of the husband before the will of Christ.
   • If a park ranger tells us to get out and I refuse, she doesn’t have to stay in the kayak
5. Submission does not mean that a wife gets her personal, spiritual strength primarily through her husband.
   • The current under the kayak carries her just as much as me
6. Submission does not mean that a wife is to act out of fear. 
   • Rachel was scared of falling in, but that should never be a motivator for following me
   • The whole point of submission is not about what a wife can or can’t do, but rather, about what a husband is called to do.
     • And when a husband fulfills his calling, it makes it easy and natural for a wife to follow the spiritual leading of her husband.

So, what does that spiritual leading of a husband look like? Here’s what we see next: A holy marriage is a sacrificial marriage. 

3) A holy marriage is a sacrificial marriage. (vs. 25-29) Husbands, it’s your turn! No deep breaths for you, we’re jumping right in. Look at verses 25 through 29: ²⁵ For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ²⁶ to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.²⁷ He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. ²⁸ In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ²⁹ No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. Husbands, when you read theses verses, there should be very little excitement in your heart. If you’re sitting here like, “Yeah, submission, authority, that’s great stuff!” Then your heart is in the wrong place. When you read these verses, you should be like, “Oh boy, that’s a lot on me.” Your holy marriage starts with you.

Husbands, you have a calling to lead your wife. You have a call to honor her – to treat her with understanding – to see her as a coheir of God’s kingdom. Have you ever thought about what that means? There will be a day when your wife will stand face to face with God. Your calling is to prepare her for that day. Husbands, when you are leading your wives in a way that takes their soul into account – when you are thinking about the day your wife stands in front of God – if you are leading for that moment, then we’ll all see how the role of husband and wife play out exactly as God intended. If the husband is biblically carrying out his role, then submission is a non-issue in the relationship. I think it’s safe to say that most wives have little problem being under the leadership of a godly husband. Illustration: The two pivotal moments when my marriage changed. 1) Being told my marriage had nothing left in it. 2) When I was told to stop making my wife THE adventure and start taking her ON THE adventure. The combination of those two events, some years apart, caused paradigm shifts in how I lead my wife. And even in recent years, I’ve seen the power of the Holy Spirit move in ways I never imagined.

What does a sacrificing husband look like?

1. Love her well (vs. 25) 
   • ²⁵ For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.
   • The model of love we are given is the way Christ loved the church
   • That’s no small task! It seems impossible!
   • Never stop dating your wife
2. Sacrifice for her (vs. 25)
   • “He gave up his life for her” 
   • Quote: “The crown a man wears in marriage is first one of thorns.” – CS Lewis
   • I believe there is one question that can change a marriage:
     • “How can I serve you?”
     • What if you asked this question, listened to the answer, and then did what she said?
       • I know some of you are immediately thinking, “Yeah, I wish she would ask me that question!”
       • It starts with you
       • It’s your role to sacrifice first
     • What if you asked this when you walked into the door from work?
       • What if you asked this on a weekend or for your next vacation?
       • What if you asked this about emotional intimacy?
       • What if you asked this about physical intimacy?
     • Husbands, if you care for your wife deeply, you will die to yourself daily for her. 
3. Lead her spiritually (vs. 26)
   • “²⁶ to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.”
   • I’ll make this simple for you: make sure there is an open Bible somewhere in your house
     • Find a visible, well trafficked area of your house, open a Bible and leave it there
       • I’m not perfect at this, but my Bible is often on my kitchen table
     • Along the way, read it and talk to your wife about it
       • Just tell her what you read and something you learned 
4. Prepare her soul (vs. 27)
   • “²⁷ He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.”
   • Let go of the small stuff in your family, so you can focus on the spiritual direction of your family. 
5. Care for her deeply (vs. 29) 
• ^“29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.”
• Become a student of your wife
  • Caring deeply for her means knowing her deeply.  

One last thing and then we’ll end with verse 21. Don’t let fear get in the way. Husbands, I understand the thought of doing may produce fear. Fear that it won’t be reciprocated. Fear that you will feel like you are being taken advantage of. Fear that your wife won’t change. One of the great relationship myths is that we evoke change in our spouse by causing pain. A lot of marriages operate on this myth. It may not be intentional, but it’s a reality. You get hurt, so you hurt them back – hoping that change will happen. But the gospel gives us a different message and a different way: Grace is the most powerful change agent in the world. The only way to have yielding and sacrificing marriage is by relaying on the power of the Holy Spirit. That’s the final characteristic of marriage we see: A holy marriage is a Spirit-filled marriage. 

4) A holy marriage is a Spirit-filled marriage. (vs. 21) Look at verse 21: ²¹ And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Verse 21 connects verses 15-20 with verses 21-33. Do you remember what we saw last week? Be consumed with what matters most. And the way we do that by being filled with the Holy Spirit. In a lot of ways, verse 21 completes the thought of what it looks like to be filled with the Holy Spirit. When you are filled with the Holy Spirit, when you are being consumed with what matters most, we will all live out the roles and responsibilities given to us. The only way for a husband to love his wife and a wife to respect her husband is if the Holy Spirit is filling them both. And we do it out of reverence for Christ. When we think about all that Christ has done for us, it becomes easier to do what He has called us to do.

When you are filled with the Holy Spirit, your marriage will begin to change. It may not be an overnight change, but over time, God will change your marriage. Because God changes you. You will begin to love your spouse where they are. You will begin to be excited about what they can become in Christ. You will begin to be excited about the adventure you and your spouse are going on, knowing that it culminates with eternity with God. Be filled with the Holy Spirit. Let your marriage be filled with the Holy Spirit. 

I’ll close with this…Who will you be in 5 years?

• For those who are single, I can’t predict the future of what your relationship status will be, but what is God molding you into right now? Let me tell you something:  here are very few married people problems. There are mostly single people problems that get brought into marriage. Let God mold you now.
• For wives, pray for your husband. I mean, really pray for your husband. Some of the most powerful changes to me as a husband have come when I know Rachel is praying for me. And pray that God would show you what it means to come under the leadership of your husband.
• Husbands, be filled with the Holy Spirit. In God’s power, go to your wife and ask her “How can I serve you?” Let that be the leading change in your marriage.

If you are in here today and you don’t know Jesus, your current or future marriage depends on you coming to know Jesus as Savior and Lord.

GOSPEL PRESENTATION

Make today the day you surrender to Him. Let’s pray.

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